I’m so pathetic. He asked how I was doing and there’s no way in hell I can lie and say I’m okay.
I realized there are a lot of similarities between this and a guy I dated in high school, whom I was willing to take back and was anxious around until I was 19 or 20 (we were almost 16 when we met). I’d probably still be into him except that he joined a fraternity and that’s gross.
So I’m on a path of YEARS to being okay and I don’t think it would be wise of me to move on until I can say I don’t care about him. And I told him all this too, like the idiot I am, saying that if the semester ends and we’re both still miserable about the end of this relationship, we should try to fix what was wrong. There was no way we could do it with us both working and school (grad school in his case). We were both stressed the fuck out. But I know that given the time and energy, we would have been able to come to some sort of compromise, finding that middle ground where neither of us feel that we’re sacrificing too much.
I feel like I should delete tinder and kik and stop talking to anyone that would be interested in a relationship with me. Just because I really don’t wanna move on and I shouldn’t lead other people on and I also don’t want to hurt Leif. (Literally every time a dude flirts with me, I think “Leif, what would Leif think of this, would this hurt him, regardless of how irrationally?”
This just sucks. I wanna be back with him. I know I can’t. But I want to.